11 Toys For Parents Who Want To Ruin Childhood

in Grab Bag by

Sometimes a toy appears in a store, and it is so bizarre that when you see it, your first thought is “What were they thinking?”

This is a collection of such toys, ranging from the slightly tasteless, through the “Did nobody feel that this was weird before it hit the stores?” all the way up to “I’d better start saving now to pay for the years of therapy my kid’s going to need after playing with this thing.”

11. You Want Our Baby To Ride Around In What?

Imgur

The brain matter cushioning on the seat is a particularly nice touch to this kiddie car for everyone who wants to see their child ride around in a disembodied monster head. It is hard to deny that this is one cool conveyance, and the little lady in the driver’s seat certainly seems to be having a fantastic time in it. That smile means this is the least disturbing item on the list.

10. Let’s All Pretend We’re On A Sinking Ship

Via Finder 6

What could be better fun that climbing to the to the top of an inflatable Titanic and sliding down the decks just like the real victims? Fortunately, this slide does not come with an iceberg or chunks of floating ice to hang onto at the base, and the fans in the picture are just to keep the thing inflated, not to blow cold air and give everyone that real freezing slowly to death while terrified experience.

9. This Is Not The Way To Encourage Saving

Viral Nova
If you want to get your child to save, do not buy them one of these. Not only do you have to slide your coins, creepily into their mouths but those blank stares will be the only thing your kids see in the light of their nightlights. Can you say “Nightmare?”

8. It Doesn’t Make ME Think Of Anything Inappropriate

World Wide InterwebSome toys aren’t actually scary, but you look at them and think “Really? You couldn’t see how this might be seen as odd/rude / hysterically funny by a child’s parent?” This is, so I’m told, one of those toys. You can only imagine the looks on peoples faces as your kids run around the park shooting water at each other with this.

7. How Could They Not See This?

Heavy

Despite the previous toy being pretty inappropriate, by far and away the winner of the “How could this have possibly gotten as far as the store?” award is the E.T. finger light. Just think of how much pleasure your kids will have crawling under the beds in the darks waggling the E.T. finger light at each other and touching the tip to light it up. Imagine the fun you will have explaining to child protection and the police exactly what is really in those photos your kids have posted to the internet.

6. I Don’t Want To Put That In My Mouth

YouTube

There is absolutely nothing wrong with producing a Ja-Ja Binks lolly-pop but one that means you have to French kiss him? Tasteless on so many levels.

5. You Want What From Santa?

YouTube

This beautiful, relaxing l.e.d. light will set you back $600. Which is, of course, the only reason you wouldn’t want to buy this for your little one.

4. Unicorns, I Love Them

Via YouTube

What little girl or boy who loves unicorns wouldn’t want this cute little play set? You get a unicorn, a man, a woman, and what could be either a bad guy or a mime. Either way, they guy in the stripy top can be skewered by one of the unicorns four interchangeable horns. Fairy tales in true Brothers Grimm style are back!

3. Realistic Fun For All The Family

Via Reddit

This could be used as an expansion pack for the Unicorn play set or as a stand-alone toy. Just think of the smiles of joy when this little beauty is pulled from a stocking on Christmas morning. It could also be used as an instructional item when your kids’ pet cat gets run over.

2. Evry Child Dreams Of Baby Shaving

Via Imgur

Who wouldn’t have wanted to play with this as a child? Not only does the baby have hair you can cut but she also has a thick curly mat of hair from her belly button all the way under and right up to the top of her butt crack. Not to mention the under-arm jungle and the inexplicably hairy calves.

1. The Gift For The Child Who Already Has One Of The Toys On This List

Facts of Today

The toy any child could end up in if they have any others off of this list. This quaint old fashioned child size straight jacket comes complete with real buckles and straps and is made from an attractive floral print. Perfect.

Featured Image Via Imgur

 

 

 

 

Tags: