Sometimes life is awkward. It is littered with moments that convince you that your life is over and you will die of embarrassment right there and then. Fortunately, most of those moments pass and eventually evolve into charming anecdotes you can bore your friends, children, and grandchildren with for years to come.
Until that time, while you are still smarting from your latest cringe-worthy moment, console yourself with the fact that you are not one of these poor people. Some of these are moments you might never come back from.
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, “I have to go, there’s a cute guy on this elevator.” Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her.”
Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she’s looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I’m going to medical school.
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on it. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it’d be a nice reminder of him for me.
Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. “Tonight’s the night,” my boyfriend says. “I’m finally going to tell her I love her!” I got really excited, deciding I loved him too. Then his friend says, “Awesome! But what about Kayla?” I’m Kayla.
Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam.
Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes.
Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said “I believe in you, -Mom.”
Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said “Did I say you could take a picture?” He replied with, “No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?” I turned around, and they were right behind me.
Today, I came home to find a sock on my bed that I had previously used to whack off. It had googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read, “Because you can’t find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom.”
Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano.
Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I’m almost 19. I said the word “hell.”
Featured Image via Cinema Blend