Wednesday, Führer-elect Donald Trump sought the sanctity of twitter to announce his enthusiasm for Inauguration Day’s pending promise to end his presidential pubescence.
Before his under-endowed finger stub could practice his “NUKE” launching technique on the, likewise dubious, “TWEET” button, he was visited by his dear friend and mentor, the ghost of Joseph Goebbels. The ghost appealed to Trump to wait a moment and think before he spewed his bullshit like a virus.
In an incredibly rare moment of restraint, The Donald withdrew his stub from the tweet and returned the finger to its home, in his sphincter. The soon-to-be-Führer, bid the ghost of Goebbels explain himself.
The ghost spoke, “A lie told once remains a lie, but a lie told a thousand times becomes the truth.”
When Trump started vibrating violently from mental exertion, Goebbels compliantly dumbed down its meaning: “Take this opportunity to keep convincing the idiots who voted for you that you’re not completely incompetent. Ensure your plague of bullshit becomes the truth.”
“Oh,” Trump said, “Why didn’t you say that the first time?”
Twenty minutes later, the ghost of Goebbels was gone and Trump had his beautiful piece of piously presidential propaganda.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 18, 2017
We are so fortunate, so lucky, and so blessed to have this Orange Goddess of Holy Hair Wisps as our next leader. He is compassionate for knowing how potentially destructive his inauguration could be. He is wise for taking three whole weeks to write his speech. He is magnificent for affording us the opportunity to witness him intellectually struggling with words safely within his Winter Pink House mansion.
He is intelligent for using a sharpie to signify the permanent idiocy that begets his rise to power?
so trump wrote his inaugural address with a sharpie pic.twitter.com/wk6osppah4
— Adam Freelander (@adamplease) January 18, 2017
He is humble for using the same desk as a jewelry show attendant distributing catalogs.
Oh, how dear is our new leader! Let us praise his willingness to scribe our future on a legal pad, with a sharpie, in a simple hallway within his pink mansion. Let us pray the eagle atop his desk doesn’t attack him and let us look at the hallway upon which he gazed with such obvious constipation.
People are still claiming President Obama is the Anti-Christ; meanwhile, 80% of white evangelicals voted for the guy who contemplates our fate in this gaudy chamber of doom. Is Lex Luthor hanging out in the next room? Is Daniel Day-Lewis drinking somebody’s milkshake in the bowling alley downstairs?
Trump’s version of an inspirational environment consists of:
Two Roman busts (that whole empire thing was great, especially the part when the power of representation was absorbed by the unchecked dictator)
And two Dresden urns (During the Holocaust, the Dresden Jewish community was reduced from over 6,000… to 41).
To believe that a man can produce propaganda amid such exuberant, stagnant wealth and retain some inkling of respect for his soon-to-be-constituents is lunacy. Your country is a resource to be exploited. For oppression, your community is debt. You are a citizen, not of isonomia, not of democracy, but of a republic fading into emboldened oligarchic corporatism.
Toss in a pinch of authoritarianism via… I don’t know…
Social and economic persecution of minorities?
Continued gerrymandering of “the will of the people,” subduing their consent to be governed until their voice fades al niente?
Welcome to fascism.
To see Trump’s pink mansion, watch this video! It features the Trump family’s former butler who is my source for all things racist.
Featured image via Biography.com