President-Elect Trump To Announce Head Gamemaker During Inaugural Address

in Editorial And Satire by

As January 20th ebbs nearer and the countdown to the official beginning of the most dreaded four years in history draws closer, the entering Trump administration has announced that its appointment for Head Gamemaker will not be made public until Mr.”I would date her, if she wasn’t my daughter” makes his inaugural address.

President-elect Trump’s pick for National Security Advisor indicates his selection of appointees is fairly straightforward:

  1. Find job description.
  2. Find someone to read job description for you.
  3. Appoint the exact opposite of what the job description entailed.

While we would like to think this incredibly irresponsible, ill-advised, holy-shit-is-this-guy-seriously-about-to-be-in-charge activity will continue in his selection of Head Gamemaker (i.e., pegging Edward Snowden, Tank Man, James Lawson, etc.), we believe someone will steer Trump toward someone as devious, as cunning, as ruthless and morbidly imaginative as a Gamemaker should be.

The most prominent front-runners for the appointment of Head Gamemaker:

 

1) M. Night Shyamalan

Photo via Wikipedia

Pros:

The Sixth Sense,

Getting Joaquin Phoenix to wear a tin foil hat in Signs,

His name is as cool as Seneca Crane’s,

The guy is more obsessed with twists than Chubby Checker.

 

Cons:

Everything the man has touched post 2002 is just the worst. Ask any Avatar fan.

 

 

2) Roger Goodell

Photo via Wikipedia

As Commissioner of the National Football League, Goodell is already a master at manipulation, pushing story lines, and maintaining control. Sources report that he’s already begun a plan to ensure the integrity of the Hunger Games.

Of this we are certain:

He will bring in shitty replacement Gameworkers if the decent ones go on strike.

He will ensure the tributes’ body bags are properly deflated.

And he will make sure all tributes sign the proper paperwork, informing them on the Game’s inherent risks of brain damage.

 

3) Steven Mnuchin

Photo via Wikipedia

Why go out and hire a Hollywood producer when you already have one in your cabinet?

Mnuchin, prior to his appointment as Trump’s Secretary of the Treasury, worked for Goldman Sachs, created his own hedge fund, and obtained over $100 million in bank company stocks.

While his Secretary position requires managing the corporations which continually make him money,… no ethical issues lurking there… as Head Gamemaker, he can use the movie making magic that produced American Sniper, Mad Max: Fury Road, and Suicide Squad to broadcast real Americans sniping each other, to create a real life dystopian war zone, AND cause all the chaos of heroism and violence he can imagine.

 

 

4) Michael Bay

Photo via Wikipedia

Pros:

Explosions.

Cars exploding, robots blowing things up, glass shattering, people screaming, more explosions, gunfire, destroying cities with asteroid pieces, destroying spaceships with asteroid pieces, destroying asteroids, blowing up Alcatraz, blowing up drug dealer’s mansions, destroying Pearl Harbor,

Did we mention explosions?

Cons:

Dramatic cut scenes of tragic heroes and damsels in distress finding time for cheesy sentiment amid alien robot battles, Dramatic cut scenes of tragic hero dad and tragic hero boyfriend fighting over who gets to blow up the asteroid, etc..

 

5) Jigsaw

Photo via CSO

Just remember, we decided we wanted to play this game last November. Happy Hunger Games!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Featured image via Wikia

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