As President Obama’s lame duck period draws to a close and President-elect Trump prepares to take office, Capitol Ministers have streamlined the selection of a host city for Inauguration Day’s Hunger Games. The committee has accepted the invitations of ten cities wishing to take part in the candidature process.
1) Atlanta, Georgia
The cream of the crop, Atlanta is the clear favorite among the hopeful municipalities. With top-tier ranks in anti-Black tweets and derogatory language against women on twitter, the city promises to fit well in Trump’s plan to define Districts by minority groups. Atlanta, likewise, boasts the 1996 Olympic Games as proof of its capability. The only outlying question in the candidacy of ATL is whether its new Mercedes-Benz Stadium can be made ready for live viewers by January 20th, or if the Georgia Dome will have to suffice.
2) New Orleans, Louisiana
NOLA projects similar strengths to Atlanta in the bid to host the Games, with notable experience hosting more Super Bowls than any other city. The Big Easy’s willingness to host a party is undeniable; the city claims more bars per person than anywhere else in America. The dark horse in the New Orleans bid is its cinematic prowess as the “Hollywood of the South;” the Capitol Ministers are certain to take this into account as they ponder the perfect location to broadcast twenty four modern gladiators fighting to the death.
3) Buffalo, New York
Hatred of minorities doesn’t just belong to Southern cities; Buffalo makes a compelling argument for the privilege to host the games, citing its sixth place ranking in America’s most segregated metropolitan areas, its outstanding ability to use anti-gay slurs, and its emergence as one of the country’s top tourist destinations. Game viewers may be in for a treat if Buffalo’s selection ends in tributes fighting amid four feet of snow.
4) Charleston, West Virginia
… Can anyone name another city in WV? Charleston is the logical location in the state that loves Trump, hates Blacks, and cherishes the ability to cheer at a senseless, pain-oriented game. Charleston jumped into the top five cities likely to host the Hunger Games when they quietly reminded the Capitol Ministers that the Victor of the games would die, too… ten years later from coal-dust-induced lung cancer.
5) Charleston, South Carolina
Many Capitol Ministers within the committee spoke highly of a potential Games in the Civil War’s birthplace; they were particularly excited to see designs exploring the possibility of Fort Sumter becoming the arena’s bloody stage. Trump supporters in favor of the city’s bid raised a rebel flag atop the fort’s battlements, enlivening support for an island fortress arena.
6) Dallas, Texas
When President-elect Donald Trump was asked about a possible Hunger Games in Texas, he responded, “It’s going to be big. It’s going to be very successful; everyone is going to love it. Everyone agrees.”
7) Montgomery, Alabama
The first capital of the Confederate States, Montgomery’s bid has been regarded by experts as purely symbolic. However, Jeff Sessions has announced his willingness to speak with the University of Alabama; the Senator indicated that the possible persecution of minorities may encourage the school to offer its football stadium as the Game arena.
8) Phoenix, Arizona
Phoenix entertains hate crimes against minorities on a regular basis, so their populace appears decidedly indifferent as to whether the legitimacy of the Hunger Games is brought to their town. Capitol Ministers seemed to agree that a Games in Arizona would be more pertinent during the scorching summer, when tributes could be subjected to terminal dehydration, exposure, and heat stroke for the audience’s pleasure.
9) Fairfax, Virginia
The National Rifle Association has offered to host the Games near their headquarters in Fairfax. The prominent organization is willing to accept all facility expenditures in exchange for exclusive rights to provide the Game’s weapons. The product placement of a perfect headshot or one tribute gunning down another could prove invaluable for the organization’s marketing team down the road.
10) Anchorage, Alaska
The underdog in the candidature process, Anchorage lacks the appeal of accessible viewers that other bidding cities possess. The Alaskans shrugged and said, “You can watch tributes get eaten by a bear, fall into a glacial crevasse, freeze to death… you name it.” With the games only a week away, air-dropping tributes on Mt. Denali with a camera crew may be the committee’s most viable option. We envision a scenario similar to this Siberian video (below), except District representatives would be atop a 20,000 foot mountain that is prone to earthquakes and whose summit air has less than half as much oxygen as its base. It’s the ninth deadliest mountain in the world; imagine what it’ll rank once guns, swords, tridents, and grenade induced avalanches are thrown into the mix.
Featured image via Mercedesbenzstadium