Wednesday, Vice President-elect Mike Pence announced, amidst a press conference proving Socialist Islamic Homosexuals buried dinosaur fossils in the 18th century, that President-elect Donald Trump and Speaker Paul Ryan have accepted the invitation of Capitol Ministers to discuss necessary preparations for Inauguration Day’s much anticipated Hunger Games.
Of utmost importance, according to a source within the Ministry, is the task of establishing District boundaries. At first glance, a simple division of states into twelve regional sectors seems most relevant and straightforward.
Here’s a look at the District match-ups we’re hoping to see in the upcoming games:
1) District 3 vs. District 11; Energy Alliance Ends in Betrayal
In this scenario, a West Virginia coal miner befriends a Texas oilman through their mutual love of burning things you can’t replace. As the non-allied tributes die off from poisoned air and toxic water supplies, which relic of America’s embarrassing past will turn on the other? Of this we are certain; there will be blood.
2) District 1 vs. District 4; Battle of Religion
The gamemakers will, surely, earn mercy when it comes time to poison someone at the Ministers’ dinner should this battle royale come to fruition. The known universe holds no answers as to what transpires when one nation, under god, puts a nun and an Alabama football fan in an arena and tells them to fight to the death. The nun would certainly be the favorite entering the games, but anything could happen should a sponsor send the Bama fan a case of Miller Lite. In this battle, it’s anyone’s guess as to what the final cry of triumph would be: “Hail Mary, full of grace” or “Hail Saban!”
3) District 12 vs. …Themselves
All analysis predicts that District 12, the combination of Alaska and Hawaii, would see their tributes both die within the game’s first 30 seconds, strangling each other to death, or the Alaskan representative would slaughter everyone with ease. Either way, we’re ecstatic that this is even an option.
4) District 5 vs. District 9; Generation Gap Proves Fatal
Will a hipster tribute see everyone fighting and feel obligated to resist conforming? If he overcomes his eccentric nature, will his vast knowledge of coffee, beard wax, and IPAs enable his survival? Will a retiree find it in himself to outwit the younger generation’s speed and strength? How will he woo the game’s audience with a love story if a sponsor doesn’t send him Viagra? With luck, these questions will all be answered the night of Inauguration Day.
5) District 7 vs. District 8; What Happens in the Games, Stays in the Games
There are more Elvis wedding ceremony officials in District 8 than any other District combined; if we are to hear him address Trump, “Thank you very much” in his mimicked Memphis accent as he takes his place among the victors, he’ll have to overcome the wrath of overly-chipper Park Ranger #6712 from District 7. Her ability to survive in the wilderness is unmatched; but, can she stomach the violence?
While hope remains to see at least one of the above match-ups, the Ministry source indicated that a more intricate grouping could occur and that the allocation of citizens into combative Districts may not be determined by regional identity at all. Instead, the source alluded to the already evident affluence of Congressional Republicans in the art of gerrymandering. They, too often, forsake the apparently frivolous notions of democracy, ensuring the odds are ever in their favor.
Questions loom. If the source proves prophetic, would each minority group receive their own District? Will we cheer for District Cinco and boo the lesbian District?
Our source within the Ministry conceded to answering one question on account of its absurdity: Where will all the straight, white, wealthy, American males be?
He replied swiftly, “We make the games, silly!”
Featured image via Web Informational.