Has 2016 left you feeling nervous about the new year? Not sure what 2017 may hold for you, the nation, or the fate of the universe? Fear not, because the Asparamancer has the answers you crave.
Jemima Packington, better known as the Asparamancer, has just released her predictions for 2017, all based on asparagus.
Yes, you read that right: asparagus. Packington predicts the future by throwing asparagus spears into the air and interpreting the pattern in which they land. It may sound absurd, but it’s no joke for Packington, who has been predicting the future since the age of eight and has correctly predicted events such as Kate Middleton’s 2014 pregnancy, the 2015 FIFA corruption scandal, and Brexit.
According to Packington, she learned her clairvoyant skills from her great aunt, who read tea leaves to make predictions about the future. But Packington found asparagus a more fitting tool.
Why asparagus? Well, broccoli simply isn’t accurate enough, according to Packington. And not just any asparagus will do for the Asparamancer. She prefers to use only English asparagus, and believes harvests from the Vale of Evesham, Worcestershire, to be the most accurate. She even keeps hoophouses to ensure she has a supply of this divining vegetable year-round.
So what is the Asparamancer predicting for 2017?
- “Dark clouds ahead” for the United States, which will be treated as a pariah under President-elect Donald Trump
- Brexit will go forward despite resistance, and other EU nations will follow suit
- A popular showbiz couple will divorce
- Even more scandals will emerge in the sporting industry
- Multiple EU leaders will be deposed
- Britain’s royal family will encounter troubling times
Turns out that not even an asparagus fortune-teller can make the future look hopeful after the year we’ve had. Hold on tight, because we might be in for a wild ride.