Do you hear that? If you listen intently enough, you can hear millions of face-palms, babbling bigotry, and the echoing chaos of one of the weirdest nightmares ever recorded. This is the ghost of 2016. It will haunt us forever.
For the sake of reminiscence and to recall the calm before the storm, let’s remember New Years Eve of 2015.
Oh, sweet innocence; we had no idea the main characters of Workaholics were about to take control of our fate.
Of all the intellectuals, all the sages, and all the fortune cookies, only one being was able to predict the shit about to befall our country… Grumpy Cat.
A somewhat dim glimmer of mediocre compensation is the video-game-like desensitization that 2016 afforded us. With the first week of 2017 under way, Pandora’s Box of weirdness is now closed and we can reflect on all the ways 2016 prepared us for anything and everything 2017 may bring.
1. Florida. Just….. Florida.
Thanks to 2016, we are now one step closer to being ready for a real-life Jurassic Park and, of course, the inevitable escape of all the Park’s dinosaurs. The Year of the Weird will ensure these people running scared will be better prepared for their next extinct meat-eater encounter. Even if we can’t afford a more capable “Dinosaur Supervisor” than Phil Tippett, 2016 got us a little closer to being able to survive a Michael Crichton novel.
to be fair, there were a lot of dinosaurs. it was a large job.
— Phil Tippett (@PhilTippett) June 10, 2015
This would’ve been a bigger issue to Americans if more than 1 in 3 young adults could point to the United Kingdom on a map.
Me: Say it in American
UK Expert: it’s like if a hot dog voted to leave its bun and fell on the ground
Me: Oh my god is the hot dog ok?
— vineyille (@vineyille) June 24, 2016
3. The Epidemic of Loved Celebrities
The hits just kept coming. Year-know-who taught this guy how to better appreciate the icons that share their soul and talents with us; he started a GoFundMe to protect Betty White from the wrath of 2016.
4. Clown Invasions Prepare You For Anything Murphy’s Law Can Throw At You
Americans: at least 2016 couldn’t get any weirder
God: send in the clowns
— Favorably (@FavorabIy) October 7, 2016
5. Getting Diagnosed With a Self-Induced Case of the Trumps
We’ve got it baaaaaaad, too. It’s going to start to itch, the sane countries are going to quarantine us, and then the parasite will start to eat away at our brains until we become the zombie apocalypse. See? Even the worst choice of political leader in the history of the known universe has its bright side; while 2016 might have made nuclear war more eminent and all but assured climate destruction, we don’t have to be afraid because we’ll be zombies and we’ll fit right in to the chaos.
Jokes aside, 2016 taught us the longevity of patience and resilience. It taught us that those virtues become vices when coupled with racial/social ignorance, economic inequality, and a feeling of being ignored. It knocked us on our asses and showed us how far we have to climb before we can tout the title of an enlightened society.
new years resolution for 2016: idk maybe lose 10 pounds
new years resolution for 2017: pic.twitter.com/KSx014P2Pq
— FIONA (@BigHPrivateEye) December 27, 2016
Featured image via Bewitter